I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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