Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
