Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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