at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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