I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
