wakey wakey hands off snakey
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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