Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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