I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
