I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Even the bartender felt bad for me
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
