Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
