the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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