Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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