Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We have started to decorate penises.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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