actually, I'm a sock model
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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