Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
