I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You took a bar mat shot.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
