dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
