I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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