Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why did my mother make you get naked?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
