so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize