I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
