I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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