I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize