My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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