If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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