dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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