From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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