I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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