just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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