So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
If I die, sorry about rent.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
