i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
