I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
