Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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