Got a toothbrush?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
