I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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