the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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