I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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