I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
