You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
