Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
