the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
