a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize