You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
