I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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