first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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