I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
