Pants 0. Shit 1.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
