there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
