xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
