Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
