i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
