I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
