the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
