He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
