and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
