I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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