i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
