Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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