I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
