nut hugger
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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