I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
