dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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