Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
