Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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