that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
