you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
