Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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