I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
