I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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