Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
