Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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