He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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