my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
